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OT My turkey...
...was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven. We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken broth, apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and after letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I discovered, was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a neck. Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss I had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple, pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef Olive instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that would start a fire in the oven. And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from the pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us staring at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because, like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into little bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a paste of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for the vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called the Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird had just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told us that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed him with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along. It was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as naked as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of hungry buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave them. We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best. Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to do it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his shoulder and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked honestly like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a recently- cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no cover-boy for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to send everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty, but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of happy friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized. To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially, Matthew, you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys! Blessed be, Baha -- Message posted via CatKB.com http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1 |
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