(OT) Do Not Call Registry Violator

On Aug 17, 7:36*am, "Cheryl P." wrote:

I think I mentioned before that when I was visiting my father because
his doctor thought (correctly) that he didn't have long to live, someone
called to sell us a cemetary plot. That was 15 or so years ago, and I
still haven't forgotten, not least because the caller announced that he
was a 'counsellor'

That was in very bad taste- I have never heard of an undertaker in the
UK cold-calling the soon to be bereaved- I think their own code of
conduct may prevent this and certainly using the title "counsellor"
would be out of order!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

On Aug 17, 9:36�am, "Cheryl P." wrote:
EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque) wrote:

Joy wrote:
Every couple of months I get junk mail addressed to my husband, who
died over 22 years ago.

After 22 years, you can laugh, but how traumatic it would be if you were
still grieving!

I think I mentioned before that when I was visiting my father because
his doctor thought (correctly) that he didn't have long to live, someone
called to sell us a cemetary plot. That was 15 or so years ago, and I
still haven't forgotten, not least because the caller announced that he
was a 'counsellor' making me wonder for a second if he was a lawyer or
maybe someone from the hospital and also because where I lived,
cemetaries weren't (and aren't) for-profit concerns and didn't make cold
calls to collect clients. Even funeral homes were suitably apologetic
and low-key in their junk mail and ads, and never engaged in random
phone calls.

Cheryl

Cheryl! That is the most horrible, predatory sales pitch I ever heard.
I truly
believe what goes around comes around, you know? I hope the guy failed
miserably in his business venture.
People who prey on a grieving family are just lower than scum, IMO.
Even funeral homes with their low-key "sales pitch" that convince
families
that overspending is a sign of devotion.
DH & I had everything done when we were in our 40's. Funeral arranged,
plot purchased,
monument already up, obituary written, and wills, advance directives,
and powers of attorney
filed with the lawyer.
All our kids have to do is show up.
I guess that makes me the ultimate control freak :-) But no one has
to make a decision while
they are grieving, and they won't be taken advantage of.

Sherry

Sherry wrote:

Cheryl! That is the most horrible, predatory sales pitch I ever heard.
I truly
believe what goes around comes around, you know? I hope the guy failed
miserably in his business venture.
People who prey on a grieving family are just lower than scum, IMO.
Even funeral homes with their low-key "sales pitch" that convince
families
that overspending is a sign of devotion.
DH & I had everything done when we were in our 40's. Funeral arranged,
plot purchased,
monument already up, obituary written, and wills, advance directives,
and powers of attorney
filed with the lawyer.
All our kids have to do is show up.
I guess that makes me the ultimate control freak :-) But no one has
to make a decision while
they are grieving, and they won't be taken advantage of.

Sherry

I must say that the funeral home we chose when my brother died
unexpectedly in January was very professional and made no effort at all
to pressure us in any way. The hospital gave us a list, and of course
various more distant relatives and friends had their preferences, but I
think we did well enough with the one we chose. My mother knew the kind
of arrangements she wanted, and my sisters and I were willing to go
along with anything she wanted, so there wasn't the disagreement or
uncertainty about what to do that I've seen sometimes.

I think you've done a wise thing. I always intended to do something like
that, and finally, after an aunt's short illness and death a year and a
half ago, I too took action. My cousins were so uncertain as to what
kind of tribute would be best that my heart went out to them. I also
realized that when I die, my family would be in an even worse situation
- they'd have no idea what I'd have wanted and they'd also have to
organize things long-distance, or at least extremely rapidly during an
emergency visit to my city. So I got information from three local
funeral homes on prices and options, chose one business, met with a
representative, had my wishes put on file with them, and started paying
towards the cost (which was optional, but I didn't want my next of kin
worrying about the money). And I updated my will, and told my immediate
family all the details. I feel much easier knowing that I've done what I
can to take care of the practical jobs after a death.

Cheryl

Lesley wrote:
On Aug 17, 7:36 am, "Cheryl P." wrote:

I think I mentioned before that when I was visiting my father because
his doctor thought (correctly) that he didn't have long to live, someone
called to sell us a cemetary plot. That was 15 or so years ago, and I
still haven't forgotten, not least because the caller announced that he
was a 'counsellor'

That was in very bad taste- I have never heard of an undertaker in the
UK cold-calling the soon to be bereaved- I think their own code of
conduct may prevent this and certainly using the title "counsellor"
would be out of order!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

I don't think he was representing a funeral company. I think he
represented a privately-owned cemetary. That's what I was told when I
expressed my shock. I had heard of such things, very rarely, and always
in other regions. Around here, cemetaries are invariably owned by
religious groups or the town. They are not run by companies and they
never ever advertise for custom!

Funeral homes are of course businesses, but any advertising they do is
very low-key - tasteful little ads saying things like 'In your time of
need, call X' with lilies or something in the picture, or 'Be remembered
as you have lived" with family pictures. Never cold calls to customers.

Cheryl

On Aug 17, 7:52*am, Sherry wrote:
Even funeral homes with their low-key "sales pitch" that convince
families
that overspending is a sign of devotion.

Many many years ago (1974) our next door neighbour passed away
suddenly. She'd never married nor had kids and left everything to a
nephew who struck me as a grasping so and so (he spent the entire
funeral wondering how much cash he could get for various of her things
and ran off as soon as he could) but somehow it fell to my mum to
organise the funeral (said nephew lived up north and couldn't be
asked) well mum knew Aunt Sybil (she wasn't my actual aunt but in
those days any female neighbour was called an "aunt") has said she
wanted nothing fancy for the funeral so she headed to the undertakers
determined to respect Sybil's wishes.

She said it was a real eye opener, she went to one place and selected
the cheapest coffin and had this oily git telling her "Oh but if you
put your mother in a cheap coffin people will think that either you
are mean or you didn't love her very much" whilst trying to steer her
to coffins that cost twice as much adding "These will show everyone
how much you really loved her"

My mother had a lot of faults but one thing she did was not suffer
fools gladly- yes I often wonder how she put up with me! He got both
barrels on the following reasonable grounds:

1. This is my neighbour not my mother
2. I am respecting her wishes for nothing fancy
3. How DARE you imply that spending a fortune equals love! That's an
insult and anyway cruel to someone who maybe doesn't have enough for
anything else how DARE you prey on someone who could be at their most
vulnerable!

After that experience my mum's own instructions for her funeral we
There will be no more than 2 cars, one for me and one for close
family- everyone else can follow in their own cars. I will be
cremated. Nothing should cost a lot- a coffin that's going to be
burned? Can you get a cardboard one? (My brother overruled on that one
but we did keep it simple). Have a good send off afterwards (very
important in our family) but don;t spend insane amounts- make the
sandwiches and get the booze from the supermarket...I confess my
brothers put me in charge of catering and probably expected me to
indulge in that fine family tradition in which all the women spend the
morning of the funeral making sandwiches for afterwards....I
cheated :-) I dispatched one aunt to get the non-sandwich bits for the
buffet and as for me I went online and ordered the sandwiches from
M&S..Everyone thought they were better anyway!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

I hope the funeral director learned from his encounter with your mother!

I have a friend whose mother requested not the cheapest coffin - that's
the one the government provides when the family can't afford to bury
you. But don't waste money on and expensive coffin, she said, buy the
second-cheapest one. And that's what my friend did. She can't have
gotten pressure from the funeral director over her choice because she
never mentioned it.

Actually, choosing the music was a problem - she wasn't sure what her
mother's favourite hymns were and didn't like some of the suggestions of
the music director or whoever was in charge of music at the church, so
in the end she left it up to a relative to negotiate the music choice.

Cheryl

On Aug 17, 8:23*am, "Cheryl P." wrote:


I must say that the funeral home we chose when my brother died
unexpectedly in January was very professional and made no effort at all
to pressure us in any way.


We have used the same firm since Grandad Madigan died- they can't be
faulted. When mum died they understood she had expressed a wish to
keep things simple and showed us a selection of simple coffins and
didn't try to sell us anything-we chose and they acted on it

. So I got information from three local
funeral homes on prices and options, chose one business, met with a
representative, had my wishes put on file with them, and started paying
towards the cost (which was optional, but I didn't want my next of kin
worrying about the money). And I updated my will, and told my immediate
family all the details. I feel much easier knowing that I've done what I
can to take care of the practical jobs after a death.


I really must sort these things out-but I must admit making a will
feels odd- I mean it's so grown up! I am not sure I am ready to grow
up just yet!

Seriously it's worse for us- the flat is in Dave's name and we are not
married so if anything happened to him then I could be evicted. Most
of my investments have him as the named person to recieve benefits in
the event of my death same as his. Those which would automatically go
to the next of kin would go to my brother who knows to give them to
Dave and believe me if I trust anyone to carry out my wishes I trust
Jim

But I guess sometime I had better put it all down somewhere

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

On Aug 17, 9:01*am, "Cheryl P." wrote:


Actually, choosing the music was a problem -

Try this for size..there;s me my brothers (one of whom had just come
in from New York and was somewhat jet lagged) and my niece driving to
the undertakers to organise mum's funeral and the subject of the music
came up...trouble was mum was not into music and Jim sauys "Lesley,
you brought her a record once and she loved it but what was it? We
could play that"

"I only brought it because she asked me for it......it was the "Birdie
Song""

We all looked at each other for a minute or so before someone said
"NAH!"

As it was we used Bach's "Pacabel" at the start of the service and the
Seekers "I know I'll never find another you" at the end

She'd have probably still preferred the "Birdie Song" through

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Lesley wrote:

I really must sort these things out-but I must admit making a will
feels odd- I mean it's so grown up! I am not sure I am ready to grow
up just yet!

Seriously it's worse for us- the flat is in Dave's name and we are not
married so if anything happened to him then I could be evicted. Most
of my investments have him as the named person to recieve benefits in
the event of my death same as his. Those which would automatically go
to the next of kin would go to my brother who knows to give them to
Dave and believe me if I trust anyone to carry out my wishes I trust
Jim

But I guess sometime I had better put it all down somewhere

Do. But not in a safety deposit box, because if it is in one person's
name, and that person dies, it is quite tricky to get into it quickly
even if you know that there are probably important documents there. BTDT

And about the flat - I don't know what to suggest, but my mother went
through hell with a similar situation. Her name was on the apartment as
well as my brother's, but it was adapted for wheelchair use, and so when
my brother died, my mother had to move because he and not she was the
wheelchair user. We all that she would have to move, but the actual
process was terrible. First, we were given the wrong information - we
(being me, my sisters and my mother) were told she wouldn't need to move
for a few months (when the certificate of need would run out), and even
then she would be able to stay until another apartment in the building
became available. In fact, she was given a notice of transfer about a
week after my brother died; was offered a similar (ie larger and more
expensive than she now needed or wanted, being alone) apartment within a
month or two, and when she turned it down, was called to a special
meeting apparantly intended to 'persuade' her to accept the new
apartment. I'm not going into all the details in a public forum, but we
did manage to find her a new and better apartment and manage a very
long-distance move, all within 6 months of a major bereavement, and it's
not something I'd recommend to anyone.

But I'd suggest that anyone in a situation in which the death of another
person affects their right to stay in their home plan very, very
carefully. And even then...I don't know if there's always ways around
things. My mother knew the conditions of her tenancy, but it wasn't
written anywhere how long after the death the re-housing process would
kick in, and although the rules about having to be offered another
apartment were in writing, and I'd assume management would offer a woman
alone a 1-br if she wanted it, they didn't - and they wanted the
wheelchair-accessible apartment available right away.

Ironically, a tenant in a 1-br died not long after my mother was settled
in her new city and new apartment, so management really wouldn't have
had to wait that long to accommodate her - but I think she's far better
off out of that place


Cheryl

On Aug 17, 9:24*am, "Cheryl P." wrote:

Do. But not in a safety deposit box, because if it is in one person's
name, and that person dies, it is quite tricky to get into it quickly
even if you know that there are probably important documents there. BTDT

When I do it I will give Dave one copy and my brother another one


(being me, my sisters and my mother) were told she wouldn't need to move
for a few months

Nothing tops a friend of ours, Kevin, He and his mum lived in a 4
bedroom house and he always knew that once she died the council would
want to rehouse him in a smaller place- all the same getting notice of
eviction in 2 weeks time is not exactly what you want to find on your
doormat when you get home from her funeral....

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs