letter to Cats

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a
king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years - feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT OUR PETS1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want
their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they
call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak
clearly.Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1)
eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to
train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the
car,(6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, (8)
don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion
dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their
children ...