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[OT] Why we love children - humor



 
 
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  #1  
Old November 21st 05, 04:57 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your
chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you
ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you
bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over
and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,
and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing
in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is
nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then
asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl
raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The
barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She
says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Hugs,

CatNipped





  #2  
Old November 21st 05, 06:23 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

CatNipped wrote:
snip
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried

to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the

farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused

then
asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl
raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking

chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

snip

I really did laugh out loud at that one, thanks for posting.

--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera)
A House is not a home, without a cat.
http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk


  #3  
Old November 21st 05, 06:46 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
wrote:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your
chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you
ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you
bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over
and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,
and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing
in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is
nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then
asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl
raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The
barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She
says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Hugs,

CatNipped




Thanks, CN, I needed a laugh today.

Purrs and Hugs,

Nan and the furkids

A wise man talks because he has something to say;
a fool talks because he has to say something.
  #4  
Old November 21st 05, 07:02 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
yodeled:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


LOL!

My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL
Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy."

So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly
heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on
in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy."




Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com

Make Levees, Not War
  #5  
Old November 21st 05, 07:07 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:02:34 -0500, Kreisleriana
yodeled:

On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
yodeled:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


LOL!

My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL
Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy."

So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly
heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on
in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy."


PS, My mom teaches second grade. A couple of years ago, one little
boy wanted to know when they were going to hear the "stories about the
Geeks." My mother was taken aback, until she remembered she had read
the class stories based on Greek myths.

Last year, she taught the little ones about China, including about the
Mongols, and Genghis and Kublai Khan.

One day when one very bright little boy was acting up, she said to him
"Robert, you can't act like a barbarian around here."

No doubt thinking of all those tough, cool Mongol warriors he learned
about, he protested, "But Mrs. Muir, I *want* to be a barbarian."




Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com

Make Levees, Not War
  #6  
Old November 22nd 05, 12:49 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor


"Kreisleriana" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:02:34 -0500, Kreisleriana
yodeled:

On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
yodeled:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained
the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


LOL!

My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL
Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy."

So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly
heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on
in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy."


PS, My mom teaches second grade. A couple of years ago, one little
boy wanted to know when they were going to hear the "stories about the
Geeks." My mother was taken aback, until she remembered she had read
the class stories based on Greek myths.

Last year, she taught the little ones about China, including about the
Mongols, and Genghis and Kublai Khan.

One day when one very bright little boy was acting up, she said to him
"Robert, you can't act like a barbarian around here."

No doubt thinking of all those tough, cool Mongol warriors he learned
about, he protested, "But Mrs. Muir, I *want* to be a barbarian."



g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my
brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece
Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what
it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is
an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B
road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.."
And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said
"oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.."

Tweed





  #7  
Old November 22nd 05, 04:53 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default [OT] Why we love children - humor

Kreisleriana wrote:

My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL
Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy."


So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly
heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on
in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy."


I don't get it...

Joyce, feelin' stupid
  #8  
Old November 22nd 05, 02:03 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Why we love children - humor


Christina Websell wrote:



g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my
brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece
Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what
it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is
an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B
road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.."
And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said
"oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.."

Tweed


Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*,
and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious
thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said
(some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm
thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if*
they ever have children of their own.

Sherry

  #9  
Old November 28th 05, 03:18 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Why we love children - humor


wrote in message
oups.com...

Christina Websell wrote:



g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my
brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece
Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know
what
it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this
is
an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B
road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.."
And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she
said
"oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.."

Tweed


Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*,
and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious
thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said
(some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm
thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if*
they ever have children of their own.

Sherry


Oh, I really think you should write them down, Sherry. They are too
precious to forget.
Here's another one from this evening when I was paying a brief visit. My
sister in law said to Thomas (aged 3), Charlotte's younger brother, "Tell
your auntie what you are going to be in the Christmas play" Tom cupped his
hands around his mouth and said "I'm going to be a leopard" I wasn't sure
if I'd heard him correctly, and hey, maybe the nativity play is being
updated these days! so I asked him to repeat it a bit louder. Yep, I wasn't
wrong, he said even louder that he was going to be a leopard.
I looked at my sister in law, what the ??? She also cupped her mouth so he
would not see that she said "He's going to be a shepherd.."

Tweed



  #10  
Old November 28th 05, 04:27 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Why we love children - humor

"Christina Websell" wrote in message
...

wrote in message
oups.com...

Christina Websell wrote:



g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my
brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece
Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know
what
it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this
is
an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A

B
road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.."
And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she
said
"oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.."

Tweed


Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*,
and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious
thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said
(some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm
thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if*
they ever have children of their own.

Sherry


Oh, I really think you should write them down, Sherry. They are too
precious to forget.
Here's another one from this evening when I was paying a brief visit. My
sister in law said to Thomas (aged 3), Charlotte's younger brother, "Tell
your auntie what you are going to be in the Christmas play" Tom cupped

his
hands around his mouth and said "I'm going to be a leopard" I wasn't sure
if I'd heard him correctly, and hey, maybe the nativity play is being
updated these days! so I asked him to repeat it a bit louder. Yep, I

wasn't
wrong, he said even louder that he was going to be a leopard.
I looked at my sister in law, what the ??? She also cupped her mouth so

he
would not see that she said "He's going to be a shepherd.."

Tweed


As I get older, I've noticed that 99 times out of a hundred, when a child
says something that embarrasses his/her parents, everybody else thinks it's
cute.

Joy


 




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