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Tips for cat owners



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 28th 16, 03:27 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes,soc.men
eric
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Tips for cat owners

Many a time have I wanted to beat the **** out of that furry little
******* that always seems to **** me off. Either by taking a nice warm
**** on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing device.

In this small file, I'd like to suggest ways to hurt or **** of the
little ****head that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks
it's the nicest ****er alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the ****er get's in your way,
whether it be when you're taking a **** and it comes in and watches, or
when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little force
into it and BLAM! The ****er goes flying. It's especially nice to watch
a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and
crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like
under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in
the air.


2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't really
get to it's tail, you can do **** with it and the cat it defenseless.
Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks,
it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk.
Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat
around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of
nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's
spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and
the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue
it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his
ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be
walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry
****s will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it
tries to sit down (get it?). But that's kinda mean.


3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you
kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers to
navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot, their
wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of
like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side). So
what do you do? You cut the ****ers wiskers, down to you start getting
fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh,
about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be ****ed and stunned that us
humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat cutting
off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the
****....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat might
eventually make it's way out of the closet, but maybe you could,
hmmm...Find something else to do to it after that? (grin


4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is throw
the little **** in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't
want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And start swinging the
****er around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably crying
for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it get's out,
it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster and faster,
stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then quickly
open the pillow case and let the ******* fall out (it WILL fall, believe
me). You got to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as
dizzy). The ****er will be sitting there, moving it's head in circles,
still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat
knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something. You can do anything,
it's up to you.


4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would
rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in
water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it
that the cat will fit in. Throw the ****er in for a minute or two
(unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk about killing them
later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and
yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available
(these ****ers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had
enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around
it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool). When a cat get's
wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really
nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it
to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..


5 -- Misc. ****....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and don't
turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little
see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a really
tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want to screw the
****er, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will
start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the
Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have
radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it within a month or
less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it, depending on
the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute,
it's intestines and lungs will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if
not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of
course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can
nuke it for 5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know
someone who did this, and saw it....It was pretty ****ing gross, and
being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it
starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the
point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make
sure you don't want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started
to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from
it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures
and some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half
minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was
twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At 3
minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any
mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows and
doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the cool
part...Now that the ****er is dead (for good reason too) it's time to
watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat started
popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the
blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds,
it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5
minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which brings me
to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no
longer want to use (not to mention the microwave is probably broken
anyway). Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple
laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.
  #2  
Old March 29th 16, 09:37 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes,soc.men
&
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Tips for cat owners

On 03/27/2016 10:27 PM, eric wrote:
Many a time have I wanted to beat the **** out of that furry little
******* that always seems to **** me off. Either by taking a nice
warm **** on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing
device.

In this small file, I'd like to suggest ways to hurt or **** of the
little ****head that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom
thinks it's the nicest ****er alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the ****er get's in your way,
whether it be when you're taking a **** and it comes in and watches,
or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little
force into it and BLAM! The ****er goes flying. It's especially nice
to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing
360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from
under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and
twirling in the air.


2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't
really get to it's tail, you can do **** with it and the cat it
defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone
time it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased
person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail,
and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat will have to take
the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to
scratch you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle
like. If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe
just a tad shorter, you can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is
cool. The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z that
for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be walking around town with it's
ass all dangling up, all the other furry ****s will ram it up, which
in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?).
But that's kinda mean.


3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you
kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers
to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot,
their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something
(kind of like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the
side). So what do you do? You cut the ****ers wiskers, down to you
start getting fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and
open the door, oh, about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be ****ed
and stunned that us humans would do such a thing (it probably is
equlivant of a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping
around, wondering what the ****....So you just sit there and laugh
your ass off. The cat might eventually make it's way out of the
closet, but maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to do to it
after that? (grin


4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is
throw the little **** in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you
don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And start
swinging the ****er around in circles, again and again, the cat will
probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz
when it get's out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and
around, faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out
where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case and let the
******* fall out (it WILL fall, believe me). You got to make sure you
can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The ****er will be
sitting there, moving it's head in circles, still thinking it
spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's
totally high on Catnip or something. You can do anything, it's up to
you.


4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and
would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny
as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with
water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the ****er in for a
minute or two (unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk
about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is
acid or something and yet they still drink water out of the toilet
when none is available (these ****ers gotta get their facts
straight). After the cat has had enough torture, grab it by the ear,
or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it out (throw
it outside you fool). When a cat get's wet (especially a long-haired
cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might
persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot
it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..


5 -- Misc. ****....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and
don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the
little see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's
in a really tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want
to screw the ****er, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a
time...The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on
the wattage of the Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will
definitely have radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it
within a month or less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably
kill it, depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside
out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be a little
toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or leaving
it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go "All-Out" if you
REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes...This is
NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who did this, and saw
it....It was pretty ****ing gross, and being the cat hater I am, I
still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and
screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point, you gotta
make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make sure you don't
want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like
nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from it's
mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and
some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half
minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it
was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At
3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any
mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows
and doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the
cool part...Now that the ****er is dead (for good reason too) it's
time to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat
started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets,
and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins
15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy)
and at about 5 minutes, the whole microwave is one big
slaughterhouse. Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier,
Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention
the microwave is probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave
away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you
want.


lol
 




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