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OT - Modern British Life by the modern British Child ...



 
 
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  #1  
Old December 15th 04, 06:10 PM
dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers
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Default OT - Modern British Life by the modern British Child ...

I really wish I could claim authorship of this, but I can't. Don't know who the
author is. Originally seen posted on another newsgroup.

Cheers, helen s



"ITS NO fun being a kid, these days. I know this because, as a million kids
this morning hand in homework essays on what they did at the Bank Holiday, one
is explaining that his blew out of the window. I found it.

Today i went for a ride on my new bycicle. My dad bort it becaus my boddy-mass
index was .002% too high on Friday, and my Mum started screeming yu hav eeten a
toffy, nigel, who gave yu the toffy, i cannot let yu out of my site for a
second, what did he look like, did he tuch yu, if so wear?

Nobody gave me a toffy i replide, my increesed wate is probly on acount of
particulates falling out of the sky on to me wile i was in the gardn, or a
grothe inside me due to passiv smoaking from Mr Foskett acros the rode, last
thersday my windo was open and so was his, or maybe some hevvy fleas jumped on
me off of a nurban fox. At this, my dad stagger and grab the fridge for suport,
seting off the alarm (yu are not alowed to tuch the fridge between meels), i
hav told yu not to go into the gardn unacompnied, he cri, ilegal imgrants mite
hav cut the razer-wire in the nite, yu culd end up in tieland as a yunuk slave
or in a nafgan traning camp or in irak with boms tied round yu.

It is a nise bycicle. It is bolted to the flore in our sellar and there is a
screen in front of it showing a video of Hamsted High Street, it is just like
being their exept i wuld not have ecg wires stuk to me monitring my hart. I
wear a helmet in case my seet belt snaps and i slip off, or somthing drops on
me off of the seeling, my mum says yu never kno wear a spiders feet hav been,
also it culd be poisonus, even waitrows cannot be sure they hav not cum into
this ****ry on a norganic banana.

It is okay in the sellar, there is no windo for jerms, diesl funes, pollen,
dedly wosps, chernobil stuff or terrists to get in thruogh, and there is a fone
in case the blud pressure machine on my arm shows more than 100 over 60. It is
not a sellphone of corse, because i am not alowed to hav brane canser, and it
does not take incumming calls due to hevvy breething. After i peddled 10
kilometers as recomended by the departmant of helth, i foned my mum and she
unlokked the door and chekked my pulse and gave me my snak. It was a hoam-made
spinich lolly with 8 calries.

i was alowed into the gardn after that, becaus it was time for my swim. i say
swim, it is more of a paddel, because my dad puts only two sentimeters of water
in the pool, after he has boyled the impuritys away, and even then i hav to
wear a mask and snorkle. i do not mind because it wuld be hard to swim with the
chane on anyway. The chane is fixed to a concreat blok, in case my father hav
to run into the hous for any reason and leeve me aloan. i also hav to carry an
umbrella wen i paddel, due to pidgen droppings, you can get ashthma and go
blind and fail gcse.

After lunch (lettice patties and non-bacterial yogurt, 31 calries) my best
frend james from next dore came round. After sining my dads' clipboard and
showing him the noat from there solister, his parents wated until my dad had
body-searched him in their presents and put him thruogh our scanner, and then
james and me went to play french crickit. It is quite a dangeruos game, one of
yu has a batt made of biodegradable carboard and the other one thros a sponge
at his legs. If it hits his legs, he is out. He is then examined for dammidge
by a same-sex parent in the presents of a qualfied witniss (today it was Mr
Simson JP MBE from no. 64), and it is his tern to be in. This does not mean he
has wun, yu are not alowed to win or loose, exitement can releese fatty asids
into the sistem, you get an emblism and fail gcse.

Then we climed into into my tree-hous and had tee. It is easy to clime into
becaus it is on the ground, as reqired by Helth & Safety Exective Para 3317,
but yu can see the tree thruogh the window, if you put on dark goggles and
sunscreen factor 800. Tee was a norganic collieflour chees without chees, due
to clesterol clogging your vanes, then we went inside and watched tee vee. A
bit dull, due to wear it was switched off on account of posible vilence cumming
on, also rays cumming out and giving yu sindromes.

Then james said culd we go to the park, and my mum fainted, and dad said it was
time james went hoam, and he e-mailed his parents and they drove round from
next dore in the 4wd to pik him up, so i had to play subutio on my own, but my
mum sed yu cant be spers as wel as chelsey, all that flikking will give yuor
forfinger reptive strane injry, yu will not be abel to text for help if a man
gives yu sweets, so i went upstares and rote this hoamwork."

Awethor unnown ...




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  #2  
Old December 16th 04, 05:25 AM
Marina
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dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers wrote:

I really wish I could claim authorship of this, but I can't. Don't know who the
author is. Originally seen posted on another newsgroup.

snip

Holy paranoia! ROFL!

--
Marina, Frank and Nikki
marina (dot) kurten (at) pp (dot) inet (dot) fi
Pics at http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/frankiennikki/
and http://community.webshots.com/user/frankiennikki
  #3  
Old December 16th 04, 09:48 AM
lewe
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"dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers" wrote in
message ...
I really wish I could claim authorship of this, but I can't. Don't know

who the
author is. Originally seen posted on another newsgroup.

Cheers, helen s


snip the funny text

really great.
I passed it on to the translator I work with and he told me it made him get
"How to be Topp" by Geoffrey Williams and Ronald Searle (first published
1954) from his bookshelf. The text seem to mimic the style of that book, and
the main character in it is called Nigel.
Best
Lena

--
:: lewe
-------------------------------------------------------------
lewemi at yahoo dot se || cat pics: photos.yahoo.com/lewemi


  #4  
Old December 16th 04, 11:48 AM
external usenet poster
 
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Default

I passed it on to the translator I work with and he told me it made
him get
"How to be Topp" by Geoffrey Williams and Ronald Searle (first

published
1954) from his bookshelf. The text seem to mimic the style of that

book, and
the main character in it is called Nigel.


It does read in the style of the Nigel Molesworth books by Willans and
Searle, but it's clearly based on a modern scenario, which leads me to
suspect that the author is probably Alan Coren. I've seen him parody
the Molesworth stuff before, and the parody is very much in his style.

(On topic: Alan Coren has written many books of short humorous
articles. Once, he approached the UK's biggest bookseller, WHSmiths,
and asked them what books were consistent bestsellers. He was told that
books about the Third Reich, books about golf and books about cats
always sold reliably. Hence, he titled his next book "Golfing for Cats"
and printed it with a swastika on the cover.)

Cheers
Al.

  #6  
Old December 16th 04, 01:35 PM
Marina
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lewe wrote:

"dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers" wrote in
message ...

I really wish I could claim authorship of this, but I can't. Don't know


who the

author is. Originally seen posted on another newsgroup.

Cheers, helen s



snip the funny text

really great.
I passed it on to the translator I work with and he told me it made him get
"How to be Topp" by Geoffrey Williams and Ronald Searle (first published
1954) from his bookshelf. The text seem to mimic the style of that book, and
the main character in it is called Nigel.


That's exactly what came to my mind when I read it - an updated version
of Nigel. I have three of those books, and also Searle's The St Trinians
Story.


--
Marina, Frank and Nikki
marina (dot) kurten (at) pp (dot) inet (dot) fi
Pics at http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/frankiennikki/
and http://community.webshots.com/user/frankiennikki
  #7  
Old December 17th 04, 03:02 PM
Adrian
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dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers wrote:
I really wish I could claim authorship of this, but I can't. Don't
know who the author is. Originally seen posted on another newsgroup.

Cheers, helen s


That was very good. Did Nathan read it?
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera)
A house is not a home, without a cat.


  #8  
Old December 18th 04, 03:56 PM
Adrian
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dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers wrote:
That was very good. Did Nathan read it?


he did and alas it went *woosh* over the teenage male head. Quote
"The spelling on this is so bad I don't understand it!" 16 going on
65 methinks ;-)

Cheers, helen s


That makes it even funnier, thanks for another laugh.
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera)
A house is not a home, without a cat.


 




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