[OT] Tactfulness, thy name is Mom (not)
 

Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~

Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.

She doesn't just pull this stunt with me ... while we were staying with
my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several
unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated
to my aunt) about how you wouldn't want to be a woman who's been married
several times ... when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she
kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were
visiting some of my aunt's friends, one was talking about a horrible
flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served
no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You're lying. Lufthansa always
serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to
defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried
to shut her up.

There's a quote I found ... I honestly don't know where it comes from
(anyone know?) ... but I wish I could somehow make Mom's words pass
through this filter before they came out her mouth:

"The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass
through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, 'Are these
words true?' If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At
the second gate, we ask, 'Are they necessary?' At the last gate, we
ask, 'Are they kind?'"
-Eknath Easwaran


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.


Your mother is my mother... and you can keep her ;-)

I swear this - they are one and the same woman - they speak in indentical
terms!



So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~


Count yourself lucky. Whilst in my mid-twenties, and *slim* I was wearing a
short dress. My mother told me not to wear it as... wait for it... remember
I'm in my twenties at the time... I was "no spring chicken anymore."


Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.


They do hurt. They *know* it hurts. Sadly. It's something some mothers do.
On the plus side, my mother having the tact & diplomacy section of her brain
being the size of a gnat's testicle, made me acutely aware of just how
damaging thoughtless remarks from a parent to a child can be - as a result,
she did me a favour, I really make a concerted effort *not* to be like that
with Nathan :-)

Cheers, helen s

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~

Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.

She doesn't just pull this stunt with me ... while we were staying with
my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several
unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated
to my aunt) about how you wouldn't want to be a woman who's been married
several times ... when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she
kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were
visiting some of my aunt's friends, one was talking about a horrible
flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served
no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You're lying. Lufthansa always
serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to
defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried
to shut her up.

There's a quote I found ... I honestly don't know where it comes from
(anyone know?) ... but I wish I could somehow make Mom's words pass
through this filter before they came out her mouth:

"The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass
through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, 'Are these
words true?' If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At
the second gate, we ask, 'Are they necessary?' At the last gate, we
ask, 'Are they kind?'"
-Eknath Easwaran

Re Weight: I know exactly what you mean. I think this may be the only
society in the history of the world that's producing perfectly healthy young
women who are deliberately starving themselves *TO DEATH* because they've
been brainwashed that "thin is beautiful". Nevermind that as large a
percentage of people are born to be ectomorphs as are born to be
endomorphs - your genetics will determine that and there's nothing you can
safely do that will change it. Never mind that as long as you're healthy it
shouldn't matter what the numbers on the scale say. I wish "Twiggy" had
never been born!!!! When a gorgeous woman like Marilyn Monroe would now be
considered fat - well our standards are warped! Had you lived in the time
of Botticelli you would have probably been considered way to skinny!!!

Re Moms that drive you crazy: I know exactly what you mean!!! I spent a
large portion of my live trying (and failing) to get my mother's approval
and love - and though I love her dearly, I finally had to learn how to
become my own nurturer because I was *never* going to get it from her!


{{{{{{{{{{Monique}}}}}}}}}} Try not to let it get to you, sweetie!

Hugs,

CatNipped

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Monique Y. Mudama wrote:
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

Oh, don't let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost
her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it's her job to tell you. I remember
once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat's
pajamas in, and my mom's remark was, "Aren't you getting a little
hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt)
Now there's nobody to tell me when I look hippy :-(

Sherry

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~

Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.

She doesn't just pull this stunt with me ... while we were staying with
my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several
unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated
to my aunt) about how you wouldn't want to be a woman who's been married
several times ... when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she
kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were
visiting some of my aunt's friends, one was talking about a horrible
flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served
no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You're lying. Lufthansa always
serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to
defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried
to shut her up.

There's a quote I found ... I honestly don't know where it comes from
(anyone know?) ... but I wish I could somehow make Mom's words pass
through this filter before they came out her mouth:

"The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass
through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, 'Are these
words true?' If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At
the second gate, we ask, 'Are they necessary?' At the last gate, we
ask, 'Are they kind?'"
-Eknath Easwaran


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Ah Monique how I wish I had heard that quote many years ago. I, like you,
love my mom, but oh the connection between her brain and her mouth is like a
slide with no buffers or stops. My family and I were approaching the
gathering where there was in progress the celebration of my dear Grandfather
93rd birthday. Mother had arrived before we had. I was walking up to join
the family. I take after her in that I am stocky, that day I was wearing a
dark purple dress with rick rack trim. She stated loudly as we approached
the group, "Charleen, you look like a purple dirigible." I was truly tested
that day!!

I know how you felt. Love and understanding is our armour.

Charleen

"wafflycat" waffles*A*T*v21net*D*O*T*co*D*O*T*uk wrote in message
...

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.


Your mother is my mother... and you can keep her ;-)

I swear this - they are one and the same woman - they speak in indentical
terms!



So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~


Count yourself lucky. Whilst in my mid-twenties, and *slim* I was wearing
a
short dress. My mother told me not to wear it as... wait for it...
remember
I'm in my twenties at the time... I was "no spring chicken anymore."


Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.


They do hurt. They *know* it hurts. Sadly. It's something some mothers do.
On the plus side, my mother having the tact & diplomacy section of her
brain
being the size of a gnat's testicle, made me acutely aware of just how
damaging thoughtless remarks from a parent to a child can be - as a
result,
she did me a favour, I really make a concerted effort *not* to be like
that
with Nathan :-)

Cheers, helen s

Yep, me too. I made a concious effort to tell my children, at least once a
day, how smart and beautiful they were. Even now I tell my daughter what a
good mother she is, how gorgeous she is, how smart she is (she's going for a
B.S. in nursing and she's acing all her courses!) And I tell my son what a
good, strong, caring husband and father he is and how brilliant he is (he is
*amazingly* creative).

I wish people would realize that if they want to change a person for the
better then they should quit criticizing and start complimenting. The more
you compliment a person, they harder they will try to live up to your good
opinion in order to not only get more praise, but to feel they deserve the
praise they're getting. It really works! My children grew up for the
first, critical, years of their lives with an abusive alcoholic for a
father, yet they remain untraumatized and unaffected by that - they are
strong and healthy (mentally and physically) adults who are rearing
wonderful, healthy children of their own!!!!!

Hugs,

CatNipped

wrote in message
oups.com...


Monique Y. Mudama wrote:
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

Oh, don't let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost
her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it's her job to tell you. I remember
once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat's
pajamas in, and my mom's remark was, "Aren't you getting a little
hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt)
Now there's nobody to tell me when I look hippy :-(

Sherry


You look hippy.

Gracie
a mother is a mother is a mother

Monique, I have had to deal with this all my life with my mother -- it never
seems to get through their "well-meaning" (mine always says she "means well"
as if that excuses all tactless comments) heads that it is unkind. I used
to be so hurt about it because my mother always ragged on my curly hair and
how it "used" to look good when I was younger (and put my hair up in orange
juice cans to straighten it). I never did anything to her satisfaction in
my house either. I finally learned to let it go because at 84 years old she
ain't gonna change. I also have taken personal vows never to do this to my
daughter!!!!
Christine
"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~

Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.

She doesn't just pull this stunt with me ... while we were staying with
my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several
unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated
to my aunt) about how you wouldn't want to be a woman who's been married
several times ... when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she
kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were
visiting some of my aunt's friends, one was talking about a horrible
flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served
no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You're lying. Lufthansa always
serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to
defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried
to shut her up.

There's a quote I found ... I honestly don't know where it comes from
(anyone know?) ... but I wish I could somehow make Mom's words pass
through this filter before they came out her mouth:

"The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass
through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, 'Are these
words true?' If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At
the second gate, we ask, 'Are they necessary?' At the last gate, we
ask, 'Are they kind?'"
-Eknath Easwaran


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

wrote in message
oups.com...


Monique Y. Mudama wrote:
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

Oh, don't let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost
her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it's her job to tell you. I remember
once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat's
pajamas in, and my mom's remark was, "Aren't you getting a little
hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt)
Now there's nobody to tell me when I look hippy :-(

Sherry

My mom doesn't do this to the extent Monique describes, but sometimes she
gets on a tangent and won't let up. I remember once when my folks were in
town we went out to dinner. I'm a natural blonde but my eyebrows have
always been darker than my hair. I also don't pluck them into non-existence
like some women do, I just keep them trimmed in their natural line along the
brow. That particular evening I used a clear NO COLOUR eyebrow gel when I
put on my makeup. Mom kept staring at me and asking why my eyebrows were so
dark. I told her I'd used the gel stuff. Still she stared. "But I don't
remember them being so dark." "Well, it makes them look a little darker, I
guess, but you know they've always been dark, Mom." A few minutes later, "I
just can't get over how dark your eyebrows are!" You get the drift?
Apparently the topic for dinner conversation was going to be my eyebrows,
come hell or high water!

Jill

"Gracecat" wrote in message
...

wrote in message
oups.com...


Monique Y. Mudama wrote:
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

Oh, don't let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost
her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it's her job to tell you. I remember
once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat's
pajamas in, and my mom's remark was, "Aren't you getting a little
hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt)
Now there's nobody to tell me when I look hippy :-(

Sherry


You look hippy.

Gracie
a mother is a mother is a mother

LOL! Don't forget to add "...in that outfit". It's the mom's way of making
the criticism sound like it's not really the daughter's fault... except it
is because she chose the outfit!