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Tips for cat owners



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 6th 16, 04:42 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes,alt.atheism
eric
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Tips for cat owners

Many a time have I wanted to beat the **** out of that furry little
******* that always seems to **** me off. Either by taking a nice warm
**** on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing device.

In this small file, I'd like to suggest ways to hurt or **** of the
little ****head that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks
it's the nicest ****er alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the ****er gets in your way,
whether it be when you're taking a **** and it comes in and watches, or
when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little force
into it and BLAM! The ****er goes flying. It's especially nice to watch
a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and
crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like
under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in
the air.


2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't really
get to it's tail, you can do **** with it and the cat it defenseless.
Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks,
it's tail gets pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk.
Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat
around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of
nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's
spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and
the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue
it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his
ass comes up with it (how's that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be
walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry
****s will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it
tries to sit down (get it?). But that's kinda mean.


3 -- Whiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you
kind that clips cat's whiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use whiskers
to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot, their
whiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of
like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side). So
what do you do? You cut the ****ers whiskers, down to you start getting
fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh,
about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be ****ed and stunned that us
humans would do such a thing (it probably is equivalent of a cat cutting
off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the
****....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat might
eventually make it's way out of the closet, but maybe you could,
hmmm...Find something else to do to it after that? (grin


4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is throw
the little **** in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't
want to beat it to death, well, not yet at least). And start swinging
the ****er around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably
crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it
gets out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster and
faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then
quickly open the pillow case and let the ******* fall out (it WILL fall,
believe me). You got to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me
almost as dizzy). The ****er will be sitting there, moving it's head in
circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far
as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something. You can do
anything, it's up to you.


4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would
rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in
water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it
that the cat will fit in. Throw the ****er in for a minute or two
(unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk about killing them
later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and
yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available
(these ****ers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had
enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around
it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool). When a cat gets
wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really
nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it
to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..


5 -- Misc. ****....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and don't
turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little
see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a really
tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want to screw the
****er, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will
start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the
Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have
radiation poisoning, which will probably kill it within a month or
less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it, depending on
the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute,
it's intestines and lungs will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if
not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of
course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can
nuke it for 5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know
someone who did this, and saw it....It was pretty ****ing gross, and
being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it
starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the
point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make
sure you don't want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started
to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from
it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seizures
and some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half
minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dilated and it was
twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At 3
minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any
mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest a lot of open windows and
doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the cool
part...Now that the ****er is dead (for good reason too) it's time to
watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat started
popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the
blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds,
it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5
minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which brings me
to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no
longer want to use (not to mention the microwave is probably broken
anyway). Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple
laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.
  #2  
Old September 6th 16, 04:48 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes,alt.atheism
%
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Tips for cat owners

eric wrote:
Many a time have I wanted to beat the **** out of that
furry little
******* that always seems to **** me off. Either by taking
a nice warm
**** on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a
clawing device.

In this small file, I'd like to suggest ways to hurt or
**** of the
little ****head that you can't get rid of, usually cuz
you're mom
thinks it's the nicest ****er alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the ****er gets in
your way,
whether it be when you're taking a **** and it comes in
and watches,
or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put
a little
force into it and BLAM! The ****er goes flying. It's
especially nice
to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four
spread, doing
360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito.
Kicking him from
under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat,
spinning and
twirling in the air.


2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat
can't really
get to it's tail, you can do **** with it and the cat it
defenseless.
Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone
time it walks,
it's tail gets pulled, looks like some diseased person
trying to walk.
Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start
spinning the
cat around using it, the cat will have to take the pain,
cuz by force
of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you
since it's
spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you
have glue,
and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad
shorter, you
can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat
moves his
head and his ass comes up with it (how's that for a chain
reaction?)
Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all
dangling up, all
the other furry ****s will ram it up, which in turn, will
make the
cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But that's
kinda mean.


3 -- Whiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are
people, you
kind that clips cat's whiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's
use
whiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're
entering a tight
spot, their whiskers will tell them if they're about to
run into
something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal
tubes
sticking out the side). So what do you do? You cut the
****ers
whiskers, down to you start getting fur. Then you gotta
through the
cat in a closet, and open the door, oh, about 4 inches.
The cat will
naturally be ****ed and stunned that us humans would do
such a thing
(it probably is equivalent of a cat cutting off your dick)
and he'll
start bumping around, wondering what the ****....So you
just sit
there and laugh your ass off. The cat might eventually
make it's way
out of the closet, but maybe you could, hmmm...Find
something else to
do to it after that? (grin

4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you
do is throw
the little **** in a pillow case, and go into an open room
(you don't
want to beat it to death, well, not yet at least). And
start swinging
the ****er around in circles, again and again, the cat
will probably
crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining,
cuz when it
gets out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and
around, faster
and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where
the cat
is, then quickly open the pillow case and let the *******
fall out
(it WILL fall, believe me). You got to make sure you can
see it (cuz
you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The ****er will be
sitting there,
moving it's head in circles, still thinking it spinning.
This is the
good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's totally high
on Catnip
or something. You can do anything, it's up to you.


4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than
dogs, and
would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's
are funny
as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or
something with
water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the ****er in
for a
minute or two (unless it's definitely going to drown,
we'll talk
about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act
like water is
acid or something and yet they still drink water out of
the toilet
when none is available (these ****ers gotta get their
facts
straight). After the cat has had enough torture, grab it
by the ear,
or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it
out (throw
it outside you fool). When a cat gets wet (especially a
long-haired
cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like
(which might
persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by
4 and shoot
it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..

5 -- Misc. ****....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no,
really) and
don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look
through the
little see-through window...It should be scared as hell,
since it's
in a really tight spot, can't move much at all...If you
really want
to screw the ****er, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds
at a
time...The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds
(depending on
the wattage of the Microwave)...After about 30 seconds,
the cat will
definitely have radiation poisoning, which will probably
kill it
within a month or less. If you nuke it for a minute,
you'll probably
kill it, depending on the size of the cat, the microwave
cooks inside
out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be
a little
toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it
or leaving
it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go
"All-Out" if you
REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5
minutes...This is
NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who did this,
and saw
it....It was pretty ****ing gross, and being the cat hater
I am, I
still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking
and
screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point,
you gotta
make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make
sure you don't
want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started
to spaz like
nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming
from it's
mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of
seizures and
some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2
and a half
minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dilated
and it was
twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's
ass...At 3
minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would
make any
mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest a lot of
open windows
and doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two
minutes it the
cool part...Now that the ****er is dead (for good reason
too) it's
time to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes,
the cat
started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of
it's sockets,
and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At
about, 4 mins
15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was
already crispy)
and at about 5 minutes, the whole microwave is one big
slaughterhouse. Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I
said earlier,
Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use (not
to mention
the microwave is probably broken anyway). Just throw the
microwave
away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids
if you
want.


these are all rookie things to do to cats ,
you should see the good stuff

  #3  
Old September 6th 16, 05:13 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes,alt.atheism
Bob
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1
Default Tips for cat owners

On 9/5/2016 11:42 PM, eric wrote:
Many a time have I wanted to beat the **** out of that furry little
******* that always seems to **** me off.


Or you could call your local Animal Control Officer, and he or she
will be glad to come by and take the cat where someone who loves
cats can come and adopt it and give it a nice home.

That way you stand far less a chance of getting charged with animal
cruelty, which is a felony now in most states. And now that you've
posted this, the chances are very good that you would pull time in a
state prison.

I once worked with a guy who is now in prison for bludgeoning his
neighbor to death for putting anti-freeze out for his dog to drink.
You wouldn't want to have him as your bunk-mate. In fact, you wouldn't
want to be anywhere near him. He's not getting out anytime soon,
so he's got nothing to lose. All they would do is give him another
40-50 year sentence. That would mean nothing to him, as long as
you're below ground, and food for worms.



 




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