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Pet-Care Tips (from _The Onion_)
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help
keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come: • When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them. • Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool. • Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys. • If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately. • Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy ****! I'm gay!" • Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug. • Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this. • If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality. • Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself. • Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair - often matted with clumps of feces - with a special cat's-ass-hair brush. • When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance. • Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce. • Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet. • By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants. • Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind. • If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size. • Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing. • Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit. |
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Pet-Care Tips (from _The Onion_)
On Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:22:31 GMT, Noon Cat Nick
wrote: Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come: .... Today's Onion has a front page article about a grocery bag causing hosilities to break out in the Branson household: http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ct_intensifies I was standing in the subway this morning and looked down at a headline in a paper someone was reading, and it said "Area Man Honored To Be One Who Added Death Date To Heath Ledger's Wikipedia Page". I groaned and thought that he had better be reading the Onion. Luckily, he was. |
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